


One October Hour

by pseudonoir



Series: Shiratori scenes [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, Murder Mystery, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-06 03:15:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5400965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudonoir/pseuds/pseudonoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Along the litter-lined streets of Shiratori, crime runs amok, and behind the smoke and smog of a melancholic town, the unlawful steal away from persecution. Amidst the cold, the damp, the bleak, one mortal man fights his inner demons, the existential bitterness; all to seek the truth, to protect the pitiful, to find the fiendish and drag them out their foul hide-holes into the glaring light of justice.</p><p>In which Oohira Reon is dragged into a detective roleplay, set in a poorly decorated school gym, and Tendou should probably stay miles away from directing detective screenplays.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One October Hour

**Author's Note:**

> The swans surprise Oohira by role playing a murder mystery for him to solve, under Tendou's direction.  
> This atrociously unfunny fic was written for Oohira's birthday.

 

7 pm at Shiratorizawa Academy, it is pitch dark in Gymnasium 4. The doors swing open as Oohira enters.  
  
**OOHIRA:**  
Hello, Eita? Why’d you text me to come? You there?  
  
**TENDOU:**  
It was a cold, misty night. Psst, Tsutomu, track number 6!  
  
[[Tense music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4i9u_hucAUs) starts playing.]  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Satori? It’s too dark, I can’t see anything.  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Along the litter-lined streets of Shiratori, crime runs amok, and behind the smoke and smog of a melancholic town, the unlawful steal away from persecution. The ever-corrupt, unjust eyes of the law turns away apathetically, and the meek are closed in on criminals; claustrophobic, defenceless._  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Satori, are you pranking me? I’m too old for this.  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Amidst the cold, the damp, the bleak, one mortal man fights his inner demons, the existential bitterness, all to seek the truth, to protect the pitiful, to find the fiendish and drag them out their foul hide-holes into the glaring light of justice.  
_  
[pause]  
  
Psst, Tsutomu! That’s your cue to turn on the lights!  
  
[Lights come on, dimly illuminating the gym. It’s been crudely decorated to resemble a sleazy, dilapidated street.]  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Is this for Halloween?  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Introducing the protagonist, the anti-hero, the lovably flawed, hard-boiled private detective with a sensitive side. Here is his struggle for justice–_  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Satori, please.  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_–Super Sleuth Oohira Reon!  
_  
[Oohira sighs as Ushijima and Yamagata come out of nowhere to drape a trench coat over him and place a trilby hat over his head.]

* * *

  
  
**MURDER ON SHIRATORI STREET  
**  
Directed  & Written by TENDOU SATORI  
  
Starring:  
Private Detective OOHIRA REON  
Chief Inspector USHIJIMA WAKATOSHI  
Criminals SHIRABU, GOSHIKI & KAWANISHI  
Bartender SEMI  
Suspicious Stalker YAMAGATA HAYATO  
  
Guest-starring:  
Oikawa Tooru & Iwaizumi Hajime (kind of)

* * *

  
**Scene 1: The Bartender**

  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_In a seedy little bar by the corner of the street, Semi Eita has seen his fair share of dirt -  he’s delved into it as well, yet somehow always comes out with his hands clean - and ready to mix the next order of drinks.  
_ [pause]  
_Which is a relief, because if he served food and beverages with dirty hands, it’ll probably violate sanitation standards and his bar will get shut down, and how will he afford to buy his ugly-ass clothes then?  
_  
**SEMI:  
** Shut the fuck up.  
  
[Tendou tugs on Oohira’s arm, leading him to the bar, which is really just a few school desks arranged in a line.]  
  
**SEMI:  
** Detective Oohira, it’s been awhile.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** I’ve had my hands full.  
  
**SEMI:  
** The resolution of the Washijou theft case was your doing, wasn’t it?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** It was.  
  
**SEMI:  
** What’ll it be?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** The usual.  
  
[Semi slides a glass milk bottle over - it has ‘Hard Liquor’ scribbled on the side in whiteboard marker. Tendou whispers, 'hardcore'.]  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** So, I heard you might have a case for me. A big one.  
  
**SEMI:  
** You heard right. Word on the street is [leans in close]

...there’s been a murder.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** There's no end to murder in this crime-infested dump. What makes this one so special?  
  
**SEMI:  
** Here’s the thing - it was a triple murder.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** [sputtering] Triple?  
  
**SEMI:  
** And not just any trio - it was Kawanishi, Shirabu, and Goshiki - the three most skilled young thieves in this whole district.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Why hasn’t such a serious case been reported? This sounds like the most high-profile crime of the year.  
  
**SEMI:  
** That I don’t know, but I’m placing my bet on the police - you know how they are at cover-ups. I’m sure it was all  _his_  doing.  
  
**OOHIRA:**

Who?  
  
**SEMI:  
** Who else, but Chief Inspector Ushijima?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Wakatoshi?  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_That was a name he hadn’t heard in a long time - Ushijima Wakatoshi, Chief Inspector, an intimidating yet sketchy presence in the city, morally questionable, and his ex-lover._  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** [turning to Tendou] Wow, what?  
  
**SEMI:  
** Better go to him if you want to get to the bottom of this.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** I will.  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Downing the last of his drink, Oohira leaves the bartender an extra-large tip as he heads toward the police station.  
He’s gonna get answers, even if he had to harden his heart, and confront his old flame.  
_  
**OOHIRA:  
** Um, okay?  
  
[On the way out of the 'bar’, Suspicious Stalker Yamagata Hayato, wearing shades, hides behind a trash can as they pass.

Oohira quirks an eyebrow at this, but Tendou hurries him over to the next scene.]

* * *

  
**Scene 2: The Chief Inspector**   
  
  
**TENDOU:  
** _The pristine brick building looks out of place in the shady neighbourhood, and to the outsider’s eye, one would come to wonder how such a seemingly efficient police force is present in a lawless town as this.  
But Private Detective Oohira knew better - under that bureaucratic façade were untrustworthy double-dealers who resorted to extortion and blackmail.  
Gritting his teeth–_

[Tendou reaches his hand out to push Oohira’s jaw up, his teeth click together.]

_–he enters the building._

_  
_  
[Oohira approaches two desks pushed together, piled with stacks of papers and folders marked 'Confidential’ (they were actually Chemistry notes). A name plate made of paper sits on the edge of the desk: 'Chief Inspector Ushijima Wakatoshi’ is spelt out in marker.]  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** Oohira Reon. [Swivels around on his rolling chair]

I’ve been expecting you.  
**  
OOHIRA:  
** [tipping his hat] Chief Inspector.  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** You’ve come for The D, no doubt.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** What!?  
  
[Aside, Tendou laughs.]  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** [stands up, moves to stand in front of him] You know, the case - the triple murder.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Um, yes, that’s what I’m here for.  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** Those crooks, Shirabu, Goshiki, Kawanishi - they had their hands on The D.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** What on Earth–  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** The _Diamond_.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Oh, what a relief.  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** The Seijou gang, lead by the dangerous Oikawa Tooru, were smuggling in a particularly valuable diamond, known as 'The D’. Word got round, inevitably, and those three inexperienced, hot-blooded kids got greedy.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Kawanishi, Shirabu, and Goshiki stole it?  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** Yes, they intercepted the transportation, and got what they wanted, too. That is, until they were found dead by the docks.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** The news hasn't reported this - hell, even I wasn't informed till my source told me so. Why are you keeping this case under wraps?  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** Because there's still too much we don't know - their bodies disappeared soon after they were discovered, and the D is still nowhere to be found.

If I give these details out to the public, who knows how Seijou would react, not to mention every other scoundrel on the street? There'd be bloodshed left and right in the frenzy to find The D.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Okay, if it’s such a top secret case, why are you telling me all this?  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** Because…I still have a soft spot for you.

**OOHIRA:**

I uh, what? Tendou what -

  
[Tendou holds up a boom box and blasts ['Careless Whisper’](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izGwDsrQ1eQ). Oohira frowns and turns it off.]  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** But really, I’m at my wit’s end with this case; you’re probably the only man for the job. You’re the best damn detective in this town, even if you’ve gone…rogue.  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Oohira remembers this look - the look of betrayal in the Chief Inspector’s eyes the day his best Detective quit the force to became a private one. But he had no other choice - he was disillusioned with the system, he couldn’t stand the corruption, the backstabbing; where was the justice?  
_  
**OOHIRA:  
** I couldn’t stay in this corrupt force that masquerades as law enforcement.   
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** Reon–  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** But I don’t live in the past - let’s focus on the present, Wakatoshi. I’ll look for those missing thieves, and the D.  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** [coldly] Good to see you still have some sense of professionalism, _Private_ Detective Oohira. You may go now.  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Denying him the courtesy of a farewell, the Chief Inspector turned his back to his ex-lover.  
_ [Ushijima obediently turns around.]  
_Oohira bit back his words as he set out into the bitter cold._  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Really, Satori, you’re too dramatic. It’s almost comical.  
  
**TENDOU:  
** Stay in character, Reon! Ahem! _As he leaves the station, he hears soft footfalls behind him._  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Who’s there?  
  
**YAMAGATA:  
** Ack! [runs away]  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** How odd.  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Shaking his head, he continued to the docks, where his search for clues begins._

* * *

  
**Scene 3: The Pier**

  
  
[They stop under a banner that reads 'Pier’. Overturned tables made to look like boats lie around, amongst boxes labelled 'cargo’. Tendou plays [sound effects](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmyN9xtewqU).]  
  
**TENDOU:  
**

_Why did the young trio of  crooks found dead soon after stealing Seijou's smuggled diamond? Why did their bodies disappear behind the thick fog of the docks?_

_There was only one way to find out - to search the scene of the crime._

**OOHIRA:  
** What do I do?

**TENDOU:**

[Excitedly] Look around for clues, Reon!

**OOHIRA:**

 

Oh! So you've left clues around here?

**TENDOU:**

Look for them, Detective. You gotta find out why Goshiki, Shirabu and Kawanishi disappeared.

 **OOHIRA** :

I'm on it!

  
[After a few minutes poking around the prop boats and cargo, Oohira exclaims.]

**OOHIRA:**

Aha!  
  
**TENDOU:  
** What’ve you got?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** I found a piece of paper with a message on it - but it’s in Morse code.  
  
**TENDOU:  
** Oh?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** I also found this empty medicine bottle. The label says that the drug induces a death-like state if consumed. Could it be possible that the missing bodies weren’t dead at all, but drugged? It would explain why they’re gone - they faked their deaths to get the cops and Seijou off their trail, and made off with the D.  
  
**TENDOU:**

Good work, Detective. You're getting there.

**OOHIRA:**

I still don't know what this morse code is for? And even with this empty drug bottle, how do I find them?

**TENDOU:**

_Keeping the Morse coded message in his pocket, a hundred questions raced through his mind: who made the drug? Would the drug dealer know where the missing trio had made off to? The Private Detective decides to head down to the pub again; perhaps the well-connected bartender knew a thing or two.  
_  
[Yamagata once again follows him quietly to the bar. Oohira is disturbed, but Tendou hurrries him along.]

* * *

  
  
**Scene 4: Suspicions**  
  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Eita.  
  
**SEMI:  
** Ah, Reon. Back so soon?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** What do you know about this?  
  
**SEMI:  
** [taking the bottle] Ahh, the Juliet Juice. Like the leading lady of Romeo and Juliet took a drug to feign death, one dose of this will have the doctor declaring you gone; that is, until the effect wears off, and you awake - perfectly alive and well.

**OOHIRA:**

It's _that_ effective?

**SEMI:**

Pricey too; where’d you get it?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** I can’t say.   
  
**SEMI:  
** You can’t say, or you don’t want to say?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** I just need you to answer me: who makes this stuff?  
  
**SEMI:  
** One of the dealers, he loiters on the street a lot. Follows people around.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** [Recalls Yamagata.] Oh, I think I have someone in mind.  
  
**SEMI:**  
Do you?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** And what about this?

[Pulls the Morse code message out of his pocket.]  
  
**SEMI:  
** Oh, I know Morse code.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** How convenient, what does it say?  
  
**SEMI:  
** AYY LMAO.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** [startled] Sorry, did I say something funny?  
  
**SEMI:  
** No, this message literally reads 'AYY LMAO’. What the fuck, stop laughing, Satori, aren’t you responsible for this shit?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Okay, thank you, I’ll keep that in mind. Please keep me informed if you have more information.  
  
**SEMI:  
** Well, I don’t know if this carries any weight, but…

 **OOHIRA** :

You’ve heard something new?

 **SEMI** :

I’ve heard rumors of ghosts.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Ghosts?  
  
**SEMI** :  
At the warehouse by the docks. The guys who’ve been down there claim to hear voices that sound just like the missing trio of thieves. I don’t know if you believe in all this superstitious stuff–  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** That sounds like something worth investigating.  
  
**SEMI:  
** Okay, I won’t keep you then.  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Putting his collar up against the chilly wind, he heads back down to the pier. Things were about to get ugly.  
_  
**YAMAGATA:  
** [chuckling evilly] Very, very ugly.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** [turning around] Seriously, Tendou, isn't that the drug-dealing culprit right there? Can’t I bring him to jail now?  
  
**TENDOU & YAMAGATA:  
**NO.

* * *

  
  
**Scene 5: The Trio of Thieves**

  
[Oohira walks up to a fortress built from desks. Tendou holds up the boom box and plays a track of [howling wind](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2Xrey9AhEU).]  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Back at the foggy pier, it's started to rain. Hard. Unfazed, he steps up quietly to a warehouse._

 _Indeed, he hears voices whispering from the inside._  
  
**SHIRABU:  
** What’s taking him so long? Kawanishi should have been back an hour ago.   
  
**GOSHIKI:  
** I’ll go [reads smudged writing on hand] check the whore again.

**SHIRABU:**

Uh, Goshiki, you mean you'll go check the 'door', right.

**TENDOU:**

Memorise your lines properly, god damn it!

**GOSHIKI:**

Right! The door! I'll go check the door, to see if Kawanishi is coming back.

  
**SHIRABU:  
** No, don’t touch the lock. When he’s back, we’ll know.  
  
**GOSHIKI:  
** How do we hear him say the password over all this wind and rain?

**OOHIRA:**

Password?...Oh! So the morse code-  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_At that moment, Private Detective Oohira, the best in the business, the most respected, most intimidating, most dignified anti-hero protagonist to ever walk the corrupt Earth, knew what he had to do. He had to infiltrate the criminal's hideout, and to do that, he had to shout out the password, as loud as he could._  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** [shaking his head disapprovingly] Satori, this is so unnecessary.  
  
**TENDOU:  
** [holding up his phone as he records this on video] This is  _absolutely_  necessary.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Okay then, here goes. [He takes in a deep breath]

AYYYYYYYY LMAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  
  
[Goshiki and Shirabu jump at the booming voice, almost knocking a few tables over. Tendou howls with laughter.]  
  
**SHIRABU:  
** Holy sh–  
  
**GOSHIKI:  
** [composing himself] A-ah! It’s Kawanishi!

[He unlocks the door to see Oohira standing there.]  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Surprise.  
  
**GOSHIKI:  
** [Reads writing on hand.] Gasps loudly in shock!

[Shirabu's nostrils flare in irritation. Tendou opens his mouth to correct him, 'That's a direction, not a line for you to say aloud!', but he decides against it.]

**SHIRABU:**

Who are you?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Oohira Reon, Private Detective. You are both under arrest, along with your accomplice, Kawanishi, and the mastermind.  
  
**YAMAGATA:  
** [popping his head in] Gasp.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** You! You’re behind all this, aren’t you!?  
  
**YAMAGATA:  
** Who, me?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Yamagata Hayato, you were the one who manufactured the Juliet Juice to induce a death-like sleep upon them! You had them steal the D from Seijou, faked their deaths so they’d be off the radar, and now you’re here to make off with the profits!  
  
**SHIRABU:  
** Juliet Juice? So you were the one who drugged us!?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Wait, didn’t you take it to fake your death?  
  
**SHIRABU:  
** No! Here's what went down: we stole Seijou's diamond, made it back with the D, and some asshole jumped us, and knocked us out with the drug.

**GOSHIKI**

When we woke up, our loot was gone. [Turns to Yamagata]

So you were the one who took our diamond!

**YAMAGATA:**

Hahaha! You're all wrong!  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** How can I be wrong? You were following me this whole time, because I was on your trail.  
  
**YAMAGATA:  
** You fool! I followed you because…well I’m lost.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Lost?  
  
**YAMAGATA:  
** I got lost in this dump of a town, and I’ve been too shy to ask for directions out.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Wait. So, let me get this straight, you were stalking me–  
  
**YAMAGATA:  
** Following.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** –because you were lost.  
  
**SHIRABU:  
** Amazing.  
  
**YAMAGATA:  
** Shut up!  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** But if you didn’t drug them and steal the diamond, then who did?  
  
**KAWANISHI:  
** [busting in through the door] Ayyyy lmaooooo…OH SHIT.  
  
[Gunshots sound from the boombox. Kawanishi dramatically falls to the ground. A figure emerges from the shadows, a toy water gun in hand.

It’s Semi in a brunette wig, wearing an Aoba Johsai team jersey with a ’#1’ taped to the front.]

  
**Semi as OIKAWA:**  
Hello naughty children, it’s murder time.

[Tendou blasts choice Oikawa [theme ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsxZpyFM6rQ)from the boom box. Oohira facepalms.]  
  
**SHIRABU:  
** Kawanishi! Oikawa, you fiend!  
  
**GOSHIKI:  
** Aah, it’s Oikawa Tooru! We…we didn’t mean to take your diamond!  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Isn’t this really petty and offensive somehow!?!?  
  
[Yamagata slips into another Aoba Johsai jersey while they weren’t looking. He slicks his hands with gel, and spikes his hair up in a hurry. He has ’#4’ tapped to the front. He picks up a water gun.]  
  
**Yamagata as IWAIZUMI:  
** Guess who?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** [sighing] I’m too old for this.  
  
**SHIRABU:  
** Iwaizumi Hajime to the left...

**GOSHIKI:**

Oikawa Tooru to the right...

**SHIRABU:**

...And a rogue detective blocking our exit. Damn it, Goshiki. We’re cornered.

 **Yamagata as IWAIZUMI:  
** Shirabu Kenjirou! Goshiki Tsutomu! You punks have got a lot of nerve, stealing from the Seijou gang.  
  
**Semi as OIKAWA:**  
Return us the diamond at once, and I’ll consider letting you live longer than your unlucky friend here.  
  
**KAWANISHI:  
** Woe is me.  
  
**TENDOU:  
** [kicking him] Shut up, you’re dead!  
  
**KAWANISHI:  
** Persecuted in life, and in death!  
  
**TENDOU:  
** Taichi, you are the _worst_ actor.  
  
**SEMI:  
** Both of you shut up and let us finish - the sooner I can get out of this, the better.  
  
**YAMAGATA:  
** Speak for yourself, man. I’m killing this look. And my gun shows are up to par with Seijou's ace. [flexes]

**TENDOU:**

Will you guys stay in character and stop butchering my _film noir_ masterpiece? Tsutomu, please.  
  
**GOSHIKI:  
** The D was stolen from us!  
  
**SHIRABU:  
** We’ve got no diamonds here, Oikawa Tooru. In fact, we were starting to think  _you_ knocked us out took it a from us.  
  
**Semi as OIKAWA:  
** Well if you don’t have the diamonds–  
  
**Yamagata as IWAIZUMI:  
** –then you don’t have any use. [Lifts his water gun.]

**GOSHIKI:**

[reads writing on hand] Goshiki screams!!!  
  
[They shoot them with the water guns as Tendou plays more gunshot noises. Shirabu and Goshiki fall to the ground. Police sirens are heard from the distance.]  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Wakatoshi!  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** Freeze! Oikawa, Iwaizumi, notorious leaders of the Seijou gang! You are both under arrest.  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Chief Inspector Ushijima Wakatoshi arrives just in the nick of time. But so many riddles are left unsolved, plaguing the Private Detective’s mind. Who drugged the thieves and took the diamonds? Will the arrest of the Seijou gang leaders tip the delicate power balance between the authorities and the criminals? Will Kawanishi get fired for his shitty acting?_

 _Find out after the break._  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** They’re closing the gym in 20 minutes.  
  
**TENDOU:  
** Find out right now.

* * *

  
  
**Scene 6: Violent Delights, Violent Ends**

  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** Finally, with the town’s most dangerous gang leaders behind bars, the streets will be safe.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** What makes you so sure, Wakatoshi? The D is still missing, and we have no idea who masterminded this.  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** There’s only so much we can do.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** But–  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** This outcome is already better than I expected, Detective Oohira. Shiratori Street’s most dangerous men are dead, or in jail.

[He points to a makeshift jail cell - an enclosure of volleyball nets, where Semi and Yamagata are trapped.]  
  
**Yamagata as IWAIZUMI:**  
We won’t be in here for long! This prison can't contain all _this_. [he flexes]  
  
**Semi as OIKAWA:  
** The firepower in Iwa-chan's biceps will bring your whole goddamn station down, _Chief Inspector Ushiwaka_. Just you wait.  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** Reon, you’ve done enough. Drop this case, and leave the rest to my team. You will be contacted on how you will be compensated for this duty.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Something seems really off.  
**  
TENDOU:  
**_And his hunch was right! Dead men tell no tales, they say, but suddenly, a plot twist! A foe thought dead bursts through the door!  
_  
**KAWANISHI:  
** [barges in] You!  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Me?  
  
**KAWANISHI:  
** No, you, Chief Inspector Ushijima! I remember it now; after that bullet grazed my skull and knocked me out–  
  
**Yamagata as IWAIZUMI:  
** Oikawa, you and your shitty aim!  
  
**Semi as OIKAWA:  
** Hey, maybe I  _wanted_  to miss head and avoid killing him. Maybe this is all a part of my grand scheme.  
  
**Yamagata as IWAIZUMI:  
** Is it?  
  
**Semi as OIKAWA:  
** …No.  
  
**KAWANISHI:  
** –I recall your face, Ushijima, as the drug was taking effect on the night we stole the D. I saw you take the diamond from us right before I passed out!  
  
**OOHIRA:**  
No way?  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** [standing up] Yes. It was me all along.

 **OOHIRA:  
** Wakatoshi?  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** I took the D.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Y-you took the D?

**USHIJIMA:**

Indeed. I knew Seijou would smuggle the diamond, and my informants told me Goshiki, Kawanishi, and Shirabu would intercept it. I let them do it, then let a death-like sleep fall upon them, and took it.

**OOHIRA:**

If it was you all along, why did you put me on this case? Why send me on that wild goose chase?   
  
**USHIJIMA:**

After I knocked them out, I had to leave and hide The D. When I returned, the 3 of them were gone; guess I miscalculated the dosage. I needed you to locate their new hideout, so they could be disposed of. I knew Seijou would find them too, and a bloodbath would have resulted, disposing those trouble-makers, and putting Oikawa and Iwaizumi in a compromising position, with you as witness, allowing me to catch them red-handed. It was the perfect plan - take the diamond, and apprehend this city's most-wanted criminals in one fell swoop.

 **Semi as OIKAWA:  
** You used us to do your dirty work? Naughty naughty Wakatoshi!

**Yamagata as IWAIZUMI:**

****You evil mastermind! Let me out!

 **OOHIRA:  
** Chief Inspector, how could you have orchestrated all this? For what?  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** It was for you.  
  
**OOHIRA:**

 ****Me!?

**TENDOU:**

_For Chief Inspector Ushijima could not let go of Oohira. Memories of his romance with the Detective replayed in the Inspector'smind every hour of every day. He heard his laughter in every silence, saw his image in every space, and felt him in every disappointment._

**OOHIRA** :

[blushing slightly] Um, wow, Satori, what the hell.

 **USHIJIMA:  
** Yes, I know we'll never be together with me stuck in this system, with so many people relying on me, and you appalled by the failures of our law enforcement. It'll never work; not here, not with the cards we're dealt with... 

But with this diamond, we have enough money to run away, start anew.

 **OOHIRA:  
** Oh, you're living in a dreamworld.

**TENDOU:**

_But his old flame was too far gone.  He would not let go of his hopes of stealing Oohira's heart, and had committed great evils in stealing the diamond - which, he believed, was his ticket to a better place, a better end._

**USHIJIMA:  
** Now, the only thing left to do, is to rid ourselves of the witnesses.  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Detective Oohira watched in wide-eyed horror as the man he used to love took out a water gun–I mean an_ actual _gun, and aimed it right between Kawanishi’s eyes._  
  
**KAWANISHI:  
** Damn, not again.  
  
**TENDOU:**  
_Straddling the line between heartbreak and his duty as a servant of Justice, Reon tearfully wrestled the gun out of his ex-lover’s hands._  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Oh, um, Wakatoshi! Stop! [Fights for the gun]  
  
[Tendou presses the boom box and a loud gunshot resounds. Ushijima freezes.]  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** …Wakatoshi?  
  
[Ushijima looks down at his stomach. He brings a hand there, then suddenly, ketchup sprays out his clenched fist. It flies onto Oohira’s face and trench coat.]  
  
**YAMAGATA:**  
Oi! That’s my dad’s coat!  
  
**KAWANISHI:**  
Mmm watcha sayyy.  
  
**OOHIRA:**  
Wakatoshi, I didn’t mean to!  
  
**USHIJIMA:**  
And here I thought, we could look each other, deep in the eyes, and start over. But alas, my love was my decay.  
  
['My heart will go on’ blasts from the speakers.]  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_Cradling his dying companion in his arms, Detective Oohira feels a bulge in Wakatoshi’s trousers, and asks 'Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?’_  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** I’ll cradle him no problem, but I’m definitely not saying that line, Satori. [bends down to cradle Ushijima]  
  
**USHIJIMA:**  
No, my love, that bulge is not a gun, but The D.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Oh, the diamond!  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** Take it, my love, in memory of me. It is yours now.  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Okay sure but I’ll have to return it to the proper owners. It is only lawful.  
  
**Semi as OIKAWA:  
** [sobbing] No, no! Keep it, Detective Oohira. I don’t care how valuable that jewel is.  
  
**Yamagata as IWAIZUMI:  
** [holding onto Semi and sobbing] Y-you can’t put a price on true love.

 **TENDOU:  
**_Slowly, he reaches into Wakatoshi’s pocket to grab The D…_  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Oh God.  
  
[Searching Ushijima’s coat pocket, he pulls out a pencil case with a note 'Happy Birthday Reon!’. Everyone, breaks out of character.]  
  
**EVERYONE:  
** Happy Birthday!!!  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Woah, wh-what?  
  
**USHIJIMA:  
** [sitting up] Do you like it?  
  
**OOHIRA:  
** Yes, of course! Wait...so this whole set up was to surprise me?

 **SEMI** :

Of course, what, you think I'd dress up and pretend to be Oikawa Tooru for fun?

 **OOHIRA** :

I don't know. I thought Tendou was testing out his story-telling skills, and I was his guinea pig. But wow, this is so moving. I really don’t know what to say.

 **TENDOU:  
** Woohoo! The D was yours all along.  
  
**OOHIRA:**  
Okay, the touching moment is over.  
  
**TENDOU:  
**_And with that, Detective Oohira had closed another case. Turning his back on the vile villains he had outsmarted, he coolly walked out the door, D in hand. Sure, he was bitter, and he had to let the scars of the past go through its slow, healing process. But as long as Oohira Reon woke up to see another day, the wrongdoers would never sleep easy, for he was out to catch them all._  
  
[He blasts 'Gotta Catch Em All’ from the boom box.]  
  
Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> got lazy towards the end lol might revise it if the motivation comes.  
> If you actually made it this far and read the whole thing, sorry for putting you through all that nonsense lol. Leave a comment 8)


End file.
